Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool

You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

Your family tree does not fork.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You call your boss "dude".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

You've been on T.V. more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

Your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.

People come to your door every day mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

You've ever lugged a gallon of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a Weed-eater indoors.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud-flaps.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year.

Your mother has ever gotten into a fight at a football game.

You think that a Buglite and a six-pack make an evening of quality entertainment.

You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.

Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.

Your cowboy hat is bigger than your shoes.

Your Christmas tree is still up in July

Fewer than half your cars run

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

You burn your yard rather than mow it

You own a homemade fur coat

You've ever used a toilet seat for a picture frame

Your brother-in-law is your uncle

Your school fight song is "Duelling Banjos"

You've ever shot a deer from inside your house

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions

You've ever used your underwear for a gas cap

The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly-swatter

You've mowed your lawn and found a car

Your wife's best shoes have steel tips

You think that people who send graduation announcements are show-offs

You're turned on by women who can field-dress a deer

You think megabytes means a good day's fishing

The most confusing day of the year is Father's Day

You had to refinance your pickup to buy your house

Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as 'exhibit A'

Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs

You go to the family reunion to pick up women

Your children call their mother "Aunt Mom"